"Life is the dancer and you are the dance."
— Eckhart Tolle

Friday, May 6, 2011

"Curtains of Existence" Big Tent Poetry - #47 revision prompt

Black curtains have lifted,
exposing, evaporating, extracting
Stitches have been edged tautly
Coiffure is smooth, sleek, supple   
My body is arranged precisely between
The scarlet silken veil behind closed eyes
No movements
Nothing to be heard within, only a
yearning to go on auspicious journeys
That was the existence I cherished
when amongst the living …
longing, languishing, lushness
Supercilious lines have entered lost vision,
aligned on wires converging
A thousand birds have come to whisper in my ear
to tell me of my soul’s travel


*You'll find the original poem here:

http://flaubert-poetrywithme.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-soul-rwp-120.html

I prefer the revision myself, though they are both a bit dark.
Posted by flaubert at 12:39 AM

19 comments:

  1. brenda wMay 6, 2011 at 6:44 AM

    The last two lines are amongst my favorite lines of yours. You build toward them beautifully, and it makes sense. Dark, but gorgeous.
    ~Brenda

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  2. Dave KingMay 6, 2011 at 9:36 AM

    I have to go along with Brenda. They are exceptional.

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  3. anthonynorthMay 6, 2011 at 12:22 PM

    Yes, there are some excellent lines in this, including the last two.

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  4. UnknownMay 6, 2011 at 12:45 PM

    I read it and read it again, to feel the intent and the meaning. And then I had to wonder on concurrent existences and the physics of time, realities of life, death, spirituality. Oh My Heck, Flaubert! You led me right into an inner philosophical discussion!

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  5. MaryMay 6, 2011 at 12:46 PM

    I am a fan of dark poems, Pam. I like this very much! I love your descriptions!

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  6. AnonymousMay 6, 2011 at 8:04 PM

    Dark, yes, but hinting at something else..."hopeful" seems like the wrong word...but I don't know.... Very artistic and thought provoking. Vb

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  7. Laurie KolpMay 6, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    Beautiful piece... I love the alliteration and depth of emotional imagery.

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  8. AnonymousMay 6, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    I enjoyed the poem, and those last two lines are amazing!

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  9. Mr. WalkerMay 6, 2011 at 9:42 PM

    I like the first two lines. The imagery in "exposing, evaporating, extracting" is lovely - as if applying to the curtains and to your soul. I like how the last two lines reflect back to the first two; I imagined the thousand birds as the black curtains.

    Richard

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  10. Henry ClemmonsMay 6, 2011 at 9:50 PM

    I loved the entire piece. That mment after death. Yes. great last two lines.

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  11. ElizabethMay 6, 2011 at 11:01 PM

    Having read and written several Dead woman poems, I'm not so sure this poem is all that dark. Certainly thought provoking, leaning toward the philosophical. Very imaginative and filled with your usual flowing language and beautitul imagery. Have to agree however, those last two lines are beyond good,

    Elizabeth

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  12. AnonymousMay 7, 2011 at 5:38 AM

    Fabulous closing couplet.

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  13. nanMay 7, 2011 at 10:22 AM

    This is incredibly beautiful, and full of life and truth, actually.

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  14. Carrie Van HornMay 7, 2011 at 1:02 PM

    A beautiful journey of words Pamela....a favorite for me of yours! :-)

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  15. CathyMay 7, 2011 at 5:26 PM

    Agreed, this poem has more mysterious edge to it

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  16. DebMay 7, 2011 at 6:36 PM

    Lovelovelove "A thousand birds have come to whisper" ...

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  17. M. A. S.May 7, 2011 at 6:44 PM

    Hmmm.... I really do like the first one, which is quite a bit darker than your revision, but I do think I like the rework better.

    Mike

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  18. ReneeMay 8, 2011 at 12:04 AM

    A bit haunting, perhaps, but the vision of it imparts something as real as we all sometimes would like to feel that it is. Causes one to contemplate.

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  19. flaubertMay 9, 2011 at 1:16 PM

    Thanks everyone for the nice comments.

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